geronimo!
lessons from a road trip with my 84 year old grandma
for this story, you can listen at any speed, scroll to the bottom for pictures, or read to yourself or a loved one.
there are so many ways i could share this story, and it’ll never feel like enough. there's so much to tell, that the time we went viral in south carolina got cut. but maybe telling you this way will mean something to you. and Berni and i would very much like that.
introducing Berni Dragoli Birch
anyone who knows my 84 year old grandmother Berni would say she is selfless, brilliant, deeply involved in community and activities, and an easy laugh. when she asked me to re-create a long road trip up the East Coast together, i cleared my schedule. her vision was to visit friends and family in their hometowns for the first time. our priority was mapping out stops with the people we loved, and as the planning took shape, it became a bucket list of magnificence— and the best 11 days.
every time we got in the car to take off somewhere new again, we fist-bumped and yelled “Geronimo!!” this mantra served as a way to bring exhilaration into the mundane, and to celebrate the next leap. it lives on. we still say it when we get into the car together.
10 experiences (and their inevitable wisdom)
pull over
turns out, Grandmas are little girls, too. in fact, everyone is experiencing the world for the first time. several times this little 84 year old girl requested to pull-over and see something. we got lucky seeing the cherry blossoms in DC, and the twirliest trees in SC. i was in awe of her awe.
delight and wonder are completely age-less it turns out.
knowing it is the last time
Gram was the person who introduced me to NYC, and musical theater. both became major love affairs of my life, too.
on the last big leg of the trip, we were walking through Times Square, getting spoiled by seasoned New Yorkers—her son Chris (the best uncle), and her niece Nikki (the best cousin). we had a dinner so big no one could finish, saw Audra Macdonald in Gypsy on Broadway, and (incredibly!) got invited to go backstage with a cast member, and stood where Phantom of the Opera ran for 35 years.
linked arm-in-arm she smiles so big and says with total peace and happiness “this will be the last time i’m in NYC!” it knocked me back to hear this. i am crying now as i write it. it was hard not to dismiss it and say “no, no, no we can come back anytime!”.
instead, i really took in her truth, and saw this big meaningful place through her eyes—one final time.
she showed me how to be somewhere you love, knowing it’s the last time.
and then she also showed me how to be with someone you love,
knowing it’s the last time.
we made a stop for friends from her FL retirement community who moved back to DE, and would often go on double dates with my Gram and Grandpa, Frank. her girlfriend Joan has MS and is bed-bound, and lit up the moment we walked in the door. her husband lives a bright life, too—he worked at NASA and met with Presidents after big missions like… sending the first man to the moon. NBD.
they were so happy to have company, “sleepover! we wish you could stay!”, they said it with such earnest, it broke my heart to know we had to stick to a schedule this day. my Grandma’s experience of our inevitable departure was similar, but she held it with grace. she ate every bite of food set out, never mentioned the time, showed up with flowers and chocolate, and listened to every story.
their friendship and the visit was light-hearted and fun. the unspoken truth of knowing this is likely their last visit, didn’t feel heavy.
i took a picture of them as requested, and their smiles said it all.
there’s a total joy that comes with bringing presence to the curtain call.
say things now, not at the eulogy
at my recent birthday party, my best friend gave me a eulogy. “we should do more of that for each other while we’re still alive”, most of my guests said.
my grandma will be the first to admit she isn’t a sentimental, mushy, cuddly type of person. i…very much am. i told her many times a day how much I loved her. and gave her examples of how easy it is to love her.
so when she teared up telling my girlfriends a story about how much i was loved, i teared up with her.
tell someone now why you love them.
if this is the only takeaway from my story, i will be so glad.
spoil the caretakers
i mentioned in her introduction that Berni is incredibly selfless. and i’m sure you know someone in your life who won’t let you do much for them. it takes effort to spoil a caretaker, because they’ll resist at first.
bring them tea when they don’t ask (and remember they like it very hot with just a little milk), book the spa treatment for them, read between the lines or listen for small clues to anticipate what they want…and insist on giving it to them. be flexible and go off-route to get to Monticello (her life-long dream!), book them an ocean view room with a king bed, and take the awful pullout couch. Berni is a deeply loved woman by so many people, who show up and love her in so many ways that inspire me.
after a week of being together 24/7, it gave us the gift of intimacy of daily life and daily needs, which gave me the opportunity to love her uniquely.
there are so many varieties of love. give it freely.
5. spend more time in multi-generational spaces
turns out you can be spontaneous at every age. we booked a last minute ticket to a well-known country singer in NC with a fanbase of teenagers, recent grads, and young families. everyone loved seeing Berni dance under the amphitheater’s night sky. they treated her like she was famous, asking her if she could see the stage okay, and dancing with her. “i’m the oldest person here! how fun is that?!” she shouted in the neon light, heard over the guitars.
be a tourist
my favorite thing to do in a new city is take a boat tour, and a walking tour. it gives you a way to see the skyline from a different angle, and you get a history lesson.
talk to the people on the tour. ask the guide follow-up questions. i had no idea how much my Grandma knew (and i am so impressed with her sharp memory)! she was the star student answering all the questions on our history tour of South Carolina. when i booked a sailboat, i had no idea she had never been on one before! the captain let me take over and sail us for nearly 2 hours. she found it hilarious that my short legs dangled above the deck, while steering that big boat. and she still talks about how much she learned about the south’s complex history.
84 years of living is a long time, and learning history from the experts is a way to live many more.
technology
the digital world is moving fast, which makes it difficult to be patient. the simplest of technology tasks are not intuitive for everyone—and after a long career in tech, it’s hard for me to explain what is so intuitive to me. and i’m still very much learning every day.
yet it has so much potential to help elders so much more than it does.
it feels like we’ve left generations behind in order to serve speed, and innovation doesn’t seem to favor the old.
i’d like to see more elder-friendly apps, and customer support that takes time to teach, and bigger conversations and meet-up groups.
politics and religion (in this economy?!)
my grandma has lived through a lot more than I have, and remembers everything—that alone is worth respect and consideration of her viewpoints. visiting so many sites of the country’s history and artifacts (like the declaration of independence), will put your values into sharp perspective.
the art of listening seems to be lost in our global climate. don’t shy away from sensitive topics when you have the chance to learn from each other’s differences. lean in. talk about it. ask thoughtful questions without needing to make a point. when i feel my righteousness creeping in, i think —what would love do? if you’d like to go deeper on this topic, i wrote much more about it here.
inconsiderate buildings
much like the building of technology, i quickly found buildings inconsiderate. architects do not build enough ramps, and sidewalks are not kind to people with limited mobility. my grandma still has a pep in her step and kept up with me incredibly well. and she also refuses a handicap placard for spaces we affectionately re-named “VIP parking”—but there were far too many steps she is forced to climb, many without handrails. it’s left me baffled, and i now have a new cause to advocate for. join me.
family, family, family
there’s a fact about me and my Grandma, and the Birch family that you’ll be surprised to hear, because–in the best way– i often also forget.
this side of my family and i are not blood-related. my single dad met Meg Birch, my Grandma’s daughter, when i was a baby. and they fell in love, and together raised me. in fact, that whole, huge, family raised me. and i became “adopted” in a way that quite literally saved my life.
i am currently wearing a necklace from 1991 that my Grandma engraved for me. it commemorates the day i “officially” became family through my parents’ marriage. i called Meg “mom” the instant she walked with my Dad down the aisle— from that day and forever. and i gained incredible Uncles and Aunts and cousins and another set of Grandparents. they are the most loyal, kind, selfless, fun, big, and loud group of Irish-Italian-St.Lucian family. they inspire me to be better, and to be closer to family, constantly. there is always a place to sleep, a story to share, food to share, someone at the hospital or hospice bedside, forgiveness, memories, and so so much love.
where there could be a vast void within me, it’s been filled and overflowed.
this roadtrip was a route of family that spanned from GA, SC, NC, VA, DE, NYC, CT, to MA. every house was humming with welcoming and hosting and life and stories. and we spanned generations as young as 4 months old.
so when we say this was a family trip, we say it with our whole hearts.
in loving memory of Frank Birch, who showed up everywhere along our way.
even when it was spooky.
Awww what a beautiful post. I savored every word.